Can I notarize that for you?
Surely there are some fly notary pickup lines.
Surely there are some fly notary pickup lines.
Hey Anne Hathaway! I think I love you now.
Matt Lauer asked Anne about that photo of her vagina and she ended her response with: “I’m sorry that we live in a culture that commodifies sexuality among unwilling participants, which brings me back to Les Mis.”
OK, like, sure, I’m vomiting all over Les Miserables, but that’s talent. She went from vagina photo to Les Mis without even blinking. And the Oscar goes to.
oops i like her again
This is a fascinating article about employing autistic adults in jobs they are uniquely qualified to do but also I learned a Denmark fact. And a cake fact!
Every time the Tigers have gone to the World Series in my lifetime it’s been a very significant year in my life. In a good way. Being born, graduating from college, relationship stuff, blah blah blah. I got excited about this fact when we got that last out, like, okay! Here we go! Life! And then I realized that it’s fucking October so I’ve got 2 months for it to be significant (and good) year and it had better get going.
Just a reminder that this woman is perfect and a hero to all feeling, thinking peoples.
best human. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments when we realize we’re about to eat ice cream for the third time today.
My family is gator-chompingly adorable, but this photo was sent to me by my father in an email with the subject line “The Money Shot”.
I refuse to be responsible for explaining this to him.
Shhh I’m watching YouTube videos of old SYTYCD dances and tearing up.
Funny thing? Two more weeks and I would have been sick of him because that’s what happens at the two-month mark with anyone I date. It would have taken care of itself. If, somehow, we made it past that, we definitely would not still be together now, and I probably would have initiated the breakup.
I have total boy amnesia. I ALWAYS agonize over whatever dumb guy I like for approximately 2-3 weeks, certain he doesn’t actually like me, and going crazy because if I like him that means he’s cool and aloof. Then 4-5 weeks in I hit my stride and things are great! Because we’ve met in the middle before I become the uncaring, aloof one!
So! The only issue here is timing. A cutoff at 4 weeks is no fair: I’ve spent all that energy being silently crazy, working hard not to do ANYTHING that could be perceived as needy or clingy, then things get comfy and good and I finally chill out and BAM, done. I could look at this as going out on a good note, but that’s just not how I work.
And seriously. Sooo many dealbreakers with this one. SO. MANY. He was the one who made me realize that one category of people I date is “Guys I Can Picture As My Ex-Husband”.
You Can Bring Me Flowers; Ray LaMontagne
Love Kills; Robyn
One and Only; Adele
You Are The Best Thing; Ray LaMontagne
Rain; Patty Griffin
Cold War; Janelle Monae
Not About Love; Fiona Apple
Shadowboxer; Fiona Apple
Roses and Cigarettes; Ray LaMontagne
Get Gone; Fiona Apple
Fly; Patty Griffin
Hannah; Ray LaMontagne
I’m sure my neighbors want me to branch out, but seriously no one else understands unrequited/underrequited/hopeless
love whatever, particularly as it relates to stubborn prideful women and the aloof/noncommittal men they just can’t shake.
I always ate lunch in the theatre/green room of Highlands Ranch High School when I went there my freshmen year. During a green room lunch session, I stole one of my friend Kyle’s bite sized brownies, popped it in my mouth, and began to chew it up. When he realized what I had done, he made me spit…
This reminded me of something that I had, shamefully, 100% forgotten: When I got home from several months in Michigan at the end of last summer, I was sloppy on crutches and vicodin and Emotions. My burly bearded friend Whitney came over to help my crippled ass unload my car, and the moment he was done Kristin came over to welcome me home. She strolled in and walked straight to the plate of Snickerdoodles my mother had sent to bribe people to help me unload my car. “Excuse me?” I said, “Those are for helpers.” She turned around guiltily. Whitney held out his hand. She gave him the uneaten half of her cookie. He ate it in one bite and held out his hand again. She opened her mouth and deposited the chewed up half into his waiting hand. He ate it in one swift stern motion. All in perfect silence. And then I was home.
If This Had Been Assigned First Semester, First Year of Grad School:
“Find an object in your home and create a voice for it? How whimsical and fun! I’m so glad I get to be creative again instead of spending all day doing data entry in a cubicle from 7:45 to 6:15! I’ll bet I can find something really good if I poke around in storage this weekend.”
But It Wasn’t; It Was Assigned Final Semester, Third Year of Grad School:
“Ugh are you fucking kidding me with this shit [stomp, stomp, stomp] okay, tongs? Beer bottle? Chip clip? I swear to god there had better be something on my kitchen counter because I don’t have time for this bullshit*. Okay, tomorrow I’ll just reach into my desk drawer and use the first thing I find when I get up at 9 in the goddamned morning. She’d better like whatever I come up with in the 15 minutes before class because fuuuuuck this.”
*this week I have a grand total of four classes to attend** and two to teach.
**I’ve already skipped one*** and it’s only Tuesday.
***It was African Dance.
I am so goddamned sick of the word Thesis but seriously between Halloween and my Thesis show I inexplicably lost 15 pounds and developed a click in my jaw. Which is to say, I quit exercising in any form and through a combination of stress and loss of muscle mass I went down 2 sizes. Which is to say, it should not be surprising that yesterday in almost a trance I purchased the following assortment of several things that I have not purchased in months/years including:
1 (one) can of Pringles
1 (one) movie-sized box of Milk Duds
1 (one) thing of Red Vines
1 (one) box of Sour Patch Kids (they were having a sale jeez)
and announced that I would be eating all of that immediately which was not literally true but 18 hours later that is all gone and I just ate most of the container of ice cream in my freezer (which was the first ice cream purchase I’ve made since moving to Madison because I genuinely have zero self control so I just don’t put myself in a position to be able to go to town on an entire thing of ice cream in my own home because every summer I try AND FAIL to institute an “ice cream only ONCE a day” rule so I have to set a line SOMEWHERE) and not just that, but I went to my cabinet and dumped a jar (everything in jars all the time i am insane) of chocolate chips into that thing of ice cream and went. to. town. Suddenly this sounds like a bulimia how-to but really the point is that even if my brain says “hey, body, you’d probably feel better if less sugar went into you” my body says IF YOU WANTED TO YOU COULD MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF PRINGLES AND SOUR PATCH KIDS WITH A MILK DUD CHASER and who am I to go against nature.
Which is to say PHEW I don’t need new clothes after all I just need to listen to my body’s need for Red Vines.